Eco Flops

It was never my intention to put eco-friendly wares on blast, but to be honest, there’s a lot of stuff out there that is just a shite version of the real thing, (I’m looking at YOU , Ecover, and your absolutely trashy washing up liquid. I said what I said. I regret nothing). Quite often people will really rate products, and then I try it and find that those people are obviously idiots, in complete denial about something being functionally useful, just because it came in neutral brown , earthy looking (shit) packaging. You notice this in the vegan world as well, I’ll click on what looks like a nice recipe for ice cream and it’s like “freeze a banana! YOLO!” and I am NOT about that life. If frozen bananas were adequate, we never would have invented ice cream, I’m not going to sit there eating fruit and pretending it’s equal to Chunky Monkey, I’m a woman of principle.

So basically, my point is, I’m going to be really honest about whether or not Eco products actually work, as well as the regular high street version. If something is cute to use one time, but ultimately , it doesn’t make the cut for a permanent switch, I’m going to shout it from the rooftops. Here are some things I’ve checked out on my zero waste quest that are a total waste of money and ultimately just accumulated more stuff rather than less. Super irritating, but ultimately, I was disappointed so you don’t have to be 🙂

The Eternal Cotton bud : Rnker Last Swab Reusable Medical Silicone Rough ...

Jesus wept this thing is as gross as it is useless. Word on the grapevine is that you’re actually not supposed to shove foreign objects into your tiny delicate earholes in a bid to clean out something that already cleans itself, but we all do it. That is , unless you have this thing. In which case you just move an object about in your ear achieving absolutely nothing. Seriously, it might as well have been a chair leg- does nothing, and now I have another plastic thing that I can’t throw out. I blame this fucking seahorse >

How a photographer snapped this tragic photo of a seahorse lugging ...

What Am I Going to Do Now? I’ve no use for this now. It’s going to sit in my house forevermore, it’s only function as far as I can see is as a cautionary tale to others. DON’T BOTHER. 
Alternative to the alternative: Just get biodegradable q tips – as long as they don’t have a plastic stick they’re not too bad for the environment, they will decompose eventually.

Menstrual cups
I so badly wanted this to be a thing. I’ve had myself an adventure with these things, and I’ve tried a variety, to no avail. I went through a phase of a few months where I was SUCH a convert, and when they work, they really work. There’s something disgustingly satisfying about looking at the measured amount you’ve menstruated as well, but there’s just so many ways they can go wrong. The most obvious, the leakage, is actually the least of your worries. I’ve been walking down the street with a menstrual cup in before, and where I’ve not successfully “opened” it after insertion (an act which resembles putting your hand into a blender and switching it on) and it’s just suddenly and very unexpectedly “popped” open in my nethers , causing me to randomly scream, alone in the street, fearing some kind of Sigourney-Weaver-In-Alien episode outside HomeSense. 

Then there was the time at the airport, when I removed it, and again , it kind of “pinged” leaving me sat in the middle of a crime scene . Not to mention the cleaning of them – if there’s no sink in the cubicle, you can’t clean it, and it becomes basically a useless gory accessory to be buried at the bottom of your bag, and hopefully not forgotten – not ideal when your bag is about to be searched by a burly man from Luton who now thinks you’re some kind of sicko and doesn’t want to let you on the plane. Oh, and before anyone says anyhthing, I’ve tried three different brands and sizes (there’s a pre-thirty and post thirty size, because apparently you hit thirty and your fanny just inflates like a windsock and you need a bigger one?) THEY DON’T WORK. 

What Am I Going to Do Now? Looked into recycling these, and it’s predictably sodding impossible, which is really annoying because the whole point of getting it was that it would reduce waste. Internet knowledge suggests burning it, which actually, is not all that convenient. How do I explain that to my neighbours? I live on a main road – if they see me dancing round a menstrual bonfire I’ll be chased from the city by people with flaming torches and pitchforks. Unless I decide to create some sort of Tracy Emin monstrosity, it will probably sit in my bathroom cupboard and every few months I’ll give it another shot, leading to nothing but the destruction of undergarments. Damn it. 
Alternative to the alternative: TOTM Organic Tampons – like the q tips, they will eventually decompose, all the packaging is paper not plastic, and there’s no weird chemicals involved, which I prefer for my lady garden which is inclined to be quite sensitive to intruders. Also for night time, I’ve invested in these which are actually frikken great

Four Pack Bamboo Cloth Sanitary Pad  Extra High Absorbency image 0

Honestly , why I have spent years using regular sanitary towels which inevitably slip their moorings and end up giving you a quarter of an involuntary bikini wax, nappy rash and feel gross, is beyond me. Fleece is the way forward. I want nothing but soft perfect fleece on my little lady from now on.

Crochet Face Wipes
This is another one I expected to be a game changer which just turned out to be a nice idea. They just sucker up any cleansing product you put on them, and they don’t then clean your face. And talk about scratchy, I am a delicate peach and the minute you wash them they are hard like really old socks. You might as well take your foundation off with sandpaper, and don’t even think about removing eye make up with them unless you want to also remove your eyes.

Crochet Reusable Cotton Face Scrubbies Makeup R... - Folksy

What Am I Going to Do Now? Fortunately these are being wet, frozen and pressed against my eternal teacher eye-bags on a daily basis, rather than just irritating me.
Alternative to the alternative: Bamboo wipes – same thing but made out of baby soft bamboo, and won’t drink your expensive cleansing products , even micellar water. 

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