How to Apologise, Sex Offenders Edition

(profane AF and trigger warning: Hollywood)

It’s been quite a week for women and the people who like them. I needed to vent. I’m not sorry. I’m sick of hearing men “apologise” like toddlers for crimes that are so far beyond contemptible I have to write about them behind a trigger warning and a drop down just in case reading about them gives someone a panic attack. Fuck the non-apology .

With the Me Too movement well under way, we are hearing a lot of what the press are calling “apologies” at the moment. Obviously, there is no apology good enough for the things that certain hairy, revolting Hollywood puddings have done in their bathrobes, but the standard of what’s coming out of these men to “apologise” is legit shite. I am yet to witness one which couldn’t be outdone by one of the kids I teach – I’ve literally seen a lad give a better apology for pissing on a door handle as an “amusing” prank, than these jokers are managing for literally raping someone. WTF world. So here are some tips, just in case you need to fess up to any sex crimes in the future (WTF is happening why does this need to be said? Ugh, whatever.)

Step 1: Confess, in detail

This isn’t high school. You can’t get away with an “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Alluding to “the way I’ve behaved” or “what I did”  and especially the term “non-consensual sex” which should frankly be illegal, just won’t cut it. There’s no such thing as non-consensual sex. There’s sex, and there’s rape. They look the same, but so do Golden Retrievers and Labradors and we make that distinction, so let’s call it what it is.


Try more like this : In 1974 I raped someone, I am a rapist.

Step 2: Show Understanding about WHY it was wrong.

When I was about five, I proclaimed, to my mother and in front of my grandmother “shut up woman, you’re getting on my tits”. I immediately apolgised, and my mother started taking a closer look at what she let me rent from Blockbuster. However, I only apologised because I saw my mum and gran’s jaws hit the floor. I knew I’d done something bad, but I had no idea what. If you are older than five, you need to acknowledge why it’s not ok to creep into bed next to a sleeping person or try to fuck someone in the shower when they come to your suite for a business meeting.

Step 3: Actually use the word “sorry”. We say sorry when someone else steps on our toe, but a lot of these carefully crafted statements fail to include it. Despite popular belief, it’s not actually the hardest word elton

Step 4: No excuses, self aggrandising, pathologising your behaviours or linguistic sophistry

All of the above aim to lessen your actions, undermine the act of apologising and demean your victims and your crimes. I don’t care if you “grew up in the seventies”, or what medical facility you will be hiding at , or how “admired” you are, and I don’t care to hear about what you’ve “been through” either.

Step : Only apologise.

You wouldn’t call your partner up and say “ Hey honey, could you pick up some milk? Oh and the dog died”. That would need to be two seperate conversations, to afford the dog’s death it’s own significance and importance. Likewise, if you’re fessing up to a crime, don’t also use it as an opportunity to come out, talk about a retirement party, your own issues or “the noise” of Hollywood.


Step 5: Accept the backlash quietly, because it is what you deserve

I swear to God if I hear any one of you use the words “harangued by the press” or “privacy at this difficult time” I will barbeque you. You liked your fame last week, if it’s turned on you, you have nobody to blame but yourself. And stop freezing out certain topics, like for instance “why did you settle out of court?”

Step 6: Actually fucking change, and pay penance

Throwing money at the situation is a fine start, but it’s the first step on a road you should be walking for the rest of your life. By all means donate money to a women’s cause and name it after your mother. Now what else are you going to do? Your penance should last as long as your victim’s sufferance, so if you’re a Hollywood Rapist I’d get to thinking about how you’re going to pay for that until you die.

Time’s Up on the non-pology.

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